If I say yes to people-pleasing, then what am I saying no to?
When I say yes to something that I wanted to say no to:
- I get mad at myself
- I feel rushed
- I am over-whelmed
- I don’t have enough time
- I don’t get paid enough
- I resent being asked
- I question friendship
- I am being taken advantage
- I’m working hard now
- Why me?
So ask yourself these questions before you say YES
“WHAT IS THE COST TO ME?”
“WHAT DO I HAVE TO GIVE UP?”
“HOW WILL I FEEL?”
“HOW WILL THE OTHER PERSON FEEL?”
“WHAT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY?”
The cost to you is lost sleep, resentment, off-balance, not being in control of your own desires, etc.
You have to give up the feelings that you are the only person that can accomplish the task and that you can say NO!
At first you will feel strange when you exercise your right to say NO. With practice saying NO will become easier and easier.
You must understand that you cannot control anyone’s feelings. They decide what they will feel, however, I know that they will have a different perspective of you.
Your responsibility is to create your best self.
As your coach I will hold you accountable for achieving your goal to give up being a people-pleaser.
Contact me for a complimentary coaching session.
What is your style?
What do you want your leadership to look like?
Will your style clash with your company’s culture?
Will your style clash with your boss’s style?
First of all, one must know themselves inside and out. Some of the following questions will help you know yourself better and perhaps give you some new ideas of who you really are.
What do you believe?
How should subordinates be treated?
- Are they equals?
- Is there a democracy?
- Can your subordinates make mistakes without humiliation?
- Are you leading by being a Servant leader?
What do you want your leadership look like?
- Is your door open
- Where is your office?
- Do your employees feel valued? Or are they fearful?
How will your style enhance or clash with the culture of your company
- So you have an open door and communication is valued.
- The culture dictates closed doors.
- What will you do?
- How will you deal with your supervisor?
- How much pressure are you willing to be put under?
The company culture matches your style.
Your supervisor doesn’t.
What choices are you forced to make?
- What are you willing to sacrifice of yourself?
Jobs are valuable and not as easy to come by these days, so one is perplexed what to do. Ideally the best possible solution is to find a position with a company that best aligns with you. But when that doesn’t happen and you accept a position with an opposing culture. One may need help to co-exist without giving up too much of oneself. You may need a coach to help sort policies and procedures to help you thrive in an uncharted and an unlikely company that you have landed in. (Complimentary consultation,)
This is the criteria for deciding:
- Want to change something in their life
- (WANT TO OR NEED TO.)
- Want more of something
- (SOMETHING IS MISSING.)
- Tolerating too much
- (HAVING A HARD TIME SAYING NO.)
- Want to switch careers
- (NEED HELP SORTING OUT WHAT IS THE RIGHT PATH FOR YOU.)
- Want to improve their current career
- (DESTINE FOR A PROMOTION BUT NOT RECOGNIZED.)
- Looking for larger goals
- (READY FOR BIGGER AND BETTER, YOU THINK!!!!)
- Desiring to achieve something faster
- (TOO MANY HURDLES ARE PUT UP FOR YOU.)
- Are bored with current issues
- (FEELING RESTLESS AND DON’T KNOW WHY.)
- Feel something is missing
- (WHAT IS GOING WRONG?)
- Who realize they need outside input for more success
- (SOME THINGS DON’T MAKE SENSE.)
YOU (COACHEE) AND I (COACH) CONNECT AND DEVELOP A TRUTHFUL WORKING RELATIONSHIP
I WILL LISTEN INTENTLY AND ASK YOU MEANINGFUL QUESTIONS TO DETERMINE THE BEST WAY THAT I MAY ASSIST YOU TO HELP YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT MOST IN LIFE. ASK FOR COMPLEMENTARY CONSULTATION.
LISTEN INTENTLY TO YOU
- ASK WHAT ARE YOUR IMPORTANT GOALS FOR YOU TO REACH / TIMELINE
- WHAT WOULD LIFE BE LIKE IF YOU WERE SUCCESSFUL IN REACHING THESE GOALS?
- HOW WILL YOU GET THERE? HOW HARD ARE YOU WILLING TO WORK?
- WHAT HAVE YOU TRIED SO FAR?
- WHAT WERE YOUR RESULTS/FAILURES?
- WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN FOR YOU TO REACH GOALS?
- WHAT HAS BEEN IN YOUR WAY SO FAR?
- WHAT WILL YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP ABOUT YOUR PAST APPROACHES TO GET AHEAD?
- WHAT ARE YOUR CORE BELIEFS THAT MIGHT BE SAYING TO YOU, “THIS IS TOO HARD”
- DO YOU HEAR ECHOES FROM THE PAST FROM OTHERS THAT SAY YOU CAN’T DO IT?
- MUST DEFINE GOALS OF INTEREST THAT GENERATE INTEREST AND EXCITEMENT.
You wish that you could break free? A coach can help
External Characteristics-(How you may appear to others)
Interested in others
Work hard at pleasing others.
Pleasant to be with
A “patsy” push over
How You May Feel Inside-
Fear of rejection
Fear loss of approval
Insecure about selves
Feeling inferior to others
Feelings of inadequacies
Feeling “not good enough”
They can’t ask for help from others
Fear of loss of personal worth
Compulsive need to “please” others
Avoid conflicts and confrontations
Feel lonely and isolated from others
Fear of “letting others down”
Fear of failure
Fear of making the “wrong” decision
Resentful about being “used”
Being a martyr
Failing to keep everyone happy
Fear of doing wrong things that displease others
Feeling trapped by the “system”
Negative aspects of Pleasing Behavior
Loss of personal identity
Loss of control over one’s own life
Inability to ask for help for self
Chronic putdowns of self
Inability to control others
Being taken advantage of
Inability to achieve personal goals
Burnout at home and on the job
Discomfort making personal choices
Uncomfortable meeting new people
Discomfort interacting with others.
Your Driving beliefs about relationships:
I must have the affection of all people I meet
I must do nothing to irritate people
I am responsible for the happiness of others
If I don’t do things for people they won’t like me
I must work harder to make all people happy with me
I can never do enough to satisfy people
If they don’t like what I do, then I am no good.
The more I do, the harder I work for them- the better they
will like me.
If I express my own true feelings, I will upset others.
When I was young I guess I displeased my parents and
they haven’t liked me since.
Always put others first and forget about yourself.
People only like you if you are helpful, pleasant and
friendly to them.
My only purpose in being here is to take care of others.
No matter what I do and how I act, it never seems to be
It’s always about them and never about myself.
I have trouble saying “NO” and when I do, people don’t
People pleasers are sensitive to the feelings of others and
often take things personally.
People pleasers believe that nobody will like them if they
stop doing things for other people.
I feel guilty if I don’t put the needs of others before mine.
I am good because I always think of others first.
I feel bad and guilty if I do something that is just what I
want to do.
People have grown to expect me to be at their beck and call.
How did it happen?
People pleasers came from home in which their needs and feeling were not valued, respected or considered important.
They were often expected as children to respond to or to take care of other people’s needs before their own.
Or they may have been silenced, not listened to, neglected or otherwise abused, thus being taught to believe that their feelings or needs were not important.
Ways to Reduce Your Tendency to Please Others. The support and accountability you will receive from a coach will be invaluable to help you move toward personal change. (Complimentary Consultation.)
1. First, review your early life experiences and see that the parents and family members were demanding, inconsiderate, abusive, and the pleaser was led to believe they didn’t have rights or feelings.
2 .Practice saying “NO”. Practice it when you are alone to get used to hearing your mouth say the word.
3. Begin to surrender the feeling that your life purpose is to be subservient to others, putting their concerns ahead of your own.
4. Begin to believe that you are entitled to be free of the control of others and their manipulation.
5. Stop saying, “YES”. Pause before responding to someone’s request. Avoid letting someone’s request cause you to knee-jerk with a condescending response.
6. Take time to feel comfortable with formulating your refusal before you just automatically say a conditioned “YES”.
7. Stop letting others inflict you with guilt. That is undeserved and is only their way of exerting control through the feeling of guilt; i.e. “I am bad for not doing what they request.”
8. Stop automatically waiting on people and tell them to do what they are requesting for themselves.
Of course they will react with anger and disbelief but that is their problem. You will be starting on the road to freedom from such behavior.
You were born with potential.
You were born with goodness and trust.
You were born with ideals and dreams,
You were born with greatness.
You were born with wings
You were not meant for crawling, so don’t.
You have wings.
Learn to use them and fly.
Synonyms: Stalls; put-offs; incompletes; irritants.
Tolerations are things that bug us, sap our energy and could be eliminated!
Tasks that we haven’t completed, relationships that cause friction, expectations of others that we don’t have to meet but can’t drop, behavior of others that irritate or impede our progress or comfort.
As much as 80% of our lives involve carrying tolerations around.
Tolerations are holes in our success cup, draining our energy.
In draining you—they make you feel less attractive to yourself.
They even create deeper problems, involving our self-esteem.
Tolerations often represent compromises you have made to keep peace or
to avoid confrontations.
When you tolerate these conditions, you and your work become mediocre and creativity is dumped.
When you stop, you’ll be happier, more fun, won’t be busy tending to “ego-bruises.”
How to know about your progress:
- You don’t let yourself near situations that will cause problems for you. You catch yourself before you get there.
- Take pride in standing up for yourself.
- You go farther than usual to correct or improve things.
- You develop confidence to speak up and change things.
- Draining people walk away from you—they know you don’t tolerate them.
- Realize what tolerations do and why you have so many.
- Tolerations are brakes on your personal development.
- We hook up with tolerations in order to feel more secure, especially in key relationships.
- Tolerations require energy and hold down our potentials.
- Resolve to grant yourself more freedom.
- Make list of 40 things you are tolerating in your life
- Write them down. Let your eyes see them.
- How did they come about?
- Include all categories.
- Identify the benefits of having and maintaining your toleration.
- Most people don’t like them but they are working for you in some way-helping you avoid issues or to procrastinate.
- It’s important to recognize and admit, just how your tolerations are paying off for you.
- Study the list and identify the hard and soft costs of those tolerations.
- Decide whether it’s worth it for you to evolve into a tolerations-free zone.
Basically, it’s an internal change or shift. Tolerations become no longer acceptable to you, so you identify and eliminate them
Helps you learn eliminate them before they can become long-standing habits.
- Pick the costliest toleration on your list and eliminate it completely.
Create a situation in which it will never come up again.
- Tell close people about this new approach.
Let them know you aspire to be toleration free. Tell them what has become “not-O.K.” with you.
- Find a friend, coach or therapist to support you.
- Work on reducing your list on a consistent basis and feel the gain in personal energy as you cross them off the list.
10. Make some important infrastructure and goal changes to support your progress.
Is your career, or your company in the funk. Maybe I can help you! Coaching is about forward movement. A coach helps clients discover their purpose and goals and then establish steps to achieve them. The coaching relationship is confidential, safe and empowering.
Lou Cator has been coaching corporate and individual clients for many years. She has participated as an expert executive coach on television and radio programs, as well as written pieces for popular magazines and the business and trade press.
The training and background in this field have led her to believe that effective coaching needs to take into account the whole corporation or person and their context, not just focus on isolated occurrences. Successful coaching means helping corporations or personal understand conditions better and identify real (or perceived) barriers to progress.
What are the benefits of a coach?
- Clarification of directions and priorities
- Development of short/long term goals
- Accountability to actualize change
- Encouragement and recognition of achievements
What you can expect from your coach?
- A passion to help you discover and clarify your goals
- Support in defining and designing your action steps
- A commitment to the principles of accountability, trust, and respect
- What is the structure of coaching work?
Your Coach Is:
- Your Partner / Motivator
- Your Champion / Mentor
- Your sounding board
- Your unconditional support
- Your co-designer for projects
- Your beacon in stormy times
- Your wake-up call