PEOPLE PLEASING PERSONALITY? Chicago – Rockford
You wish that you could break free? A coach can help.
External Characteristics – How you may appear to others:
Friendly – Courteous – Cooperative – Generous
Interested in others:
Popular – Work hard at pleasing others. – Helpful – Supportive – Organized – Appeasers Pleasant to be with – A “patsy” push over
How You May Feel Inside:
Fear of rejection – Fear loss of approval – Insecure about selves -Feeling inferior to others – Feelings of inadequacies – Self-doubts – Feeling “not good enough” – They can’t ask for help from others -Fear of loss of personal worth – Compulsive need to “please” others – Avoid conflicts and confrontations – Feel lonely and isolated from others – Fear of “letting others down” – Fear of failure – Feel unappreciated – Fear of making the “wrong” decision – Resentful about being “used – In victimhood – Being a martyr – Failing to keep everyone happy – Fear of doing wrong things that displease others – Feeling trapped by the “system”
Negative aspects of Pleasing Behavior:
Lowers self-esteem – Loss of personal identity – Loss of control over one’s own life – Tolerations – Inability to ask for help for self – Chronic putdowns of self – Inability to control others – Being taken advantage of – inability to achieve personal goals – Burnout at home and on the job – Discomfort making personal choices – Uncomfortable meeting new people – Discomfort interacting with others.
Your Driving beliefs about relationships:
I must have the affection of all people I meet. I must do nothing to irritate people. I am responsible for the happiness of others. If I don’t do things for people they won’t like me. I must work harder to make all people happy with me. I can never do enough to satisfy people. If they don’t like what I do, then I am no good. The more I do, the harder I work for them the better they will like me. If I express my own true feelings, I will upset others. When I was young I guess I displeased my parents and they haven’t liked me since. Always put others first and forget about yourself. People only like you if you are helpful, pleasant and friendly to them. My only purpose in being here is to take care of others. No matter what I do and how I act, it never seems to be good enough. It’s always about them and never about myself. I have trouble saying “NO” and when I do, people don’t like me. People pleasers are sensitive to the feelings of others and often take things personally. People pleasers believe that nobody will like them if they stop doing things for other people. I feel guilty if I don’t put the needs of others before mine. I am good because I always think of others first. I feel bad and guilty if I do something that is just what I want to do. People have grown to expect me to be at their beck and call.
How did it happen?
People pleasers came from home in which their needs and feeling were not valued, respected or considered important. They were often expected as children to respond to or to take care of other people’s needs before their own. Or they may have been silenced, not listened to, neglected or otherwise abused, thus being taught to believe that their feelings or needs were not important.
Ways to Reduce Your Tendency to Please Others. The support and accountability you will receive from a coach will be invaluable to help you move toward personal change.
- First, review your early life experiences and see that the parents and family members were demanding, inconsiderate, abusive, and the pleaser was led to believe they didn’t have rights or feelings.
- Practice saying “NO”. Practice it when you are alone to get used to hearing your mouth say the word.
- Begin to surrender the feeling that your life purpose is to be subservient to others, putting their concerns ahead of your own.
- Begin to believe that you are entitled to be free of the control of others and their manipulation.
- Stop saying, “YES”. Pause before responding to someone’s request. Avoid letting someone’s request cause you to knee-jerk with a condescending response.
- Take time to feel comfortable with formulating your refusal before you just automatically say a conditioned “YES”.
- Stop letting others inflict you with guilt. That is undeserved and is only their way of exerting control through the feeling of guilt; i.e. “I am bad for not doing what they request.”
- Stop automatically waiting on people and tell them to do what they are requesting for themselves.
Of course they will react with anger and disbelief but that is their problem. You will be starting on the road to freedom from such behavior.