put-offs; incompletes; irritants. Tolerations are things that bug us, sap our energy and could
be eliminated! Tasks that we haven’t completed, relationships that cause
friction, expectations of others that we don’t have to meet but can’t drop,
behavior of others that irritate or impede our progress or comfort. As much as 80% of our lives involve carrying tolerations
around. Tolerations are holes in our success cup, draining our
energy. In draining you—they make Continue reading
You wish that you could break free? A coach can help.
External Characteristics – How you may appear to others:
Friendly – Courteous – Cooperative – Generous
Interested in others:
Popular – Work hard at pleasing others. – Helpful – Supportive – Organized – Appeasers Pleasant to be with – A “patsy” push over
How You May Feel Inside:
Fear of rejection – Fear loss of approval – Insecure about selves -Feeling inferior to others – Feelings of inadequacies – Self-doubts – Feeling “not good enough” – They can’t ask for help from others -Fear of loss of personal worth – Compulsive need to “please” others – Avoid conflicts and confrontations – Feel lonely and isolated from others – Fear of “letting others down” – Fear of failure – Feel unappreciated – Fear of making the “wrong” decision – Resentful about being “used – In victimhood – Being a martyr – Failing to keep everyone happy – Fear of doing wrong things that displease others – Feeling trapped by the “system”
Negative aspects of Pleasing Behavior:
Lowers self-esteem – Loss of personal identity – Loss of control over one’s own life – Tolerations – Inability to ask for help for self – Chronic putdowns of self – Inability to control others – Being taken advantage of – inability to achieve personal goals – Burnout at home and on the job – Discomfort making personal choices – Uncomfortable meeting new people – Discomfort interacting with others.
Your Driving beliefs about relationships:
I must have the affection of all people I meet. I must do nothing to irritate people. I am responsible for the happiness of others. If I don’t do things for people they won’t like me. I must work harder to make all people happy with me. I can never do enough to satisfy people. If they don’t like what I do, then I am no good. The more I do, the harder I work for them the better they will like me. If I express my own true feelings, I will upset others. When I was young I guess I displeased my parents and they haven’t liked me since. Always put others first and forget about yourself. People only like you if you are helpful, pleasant and friendly to them. My only purpose in being here is to take care of others. No matter what I do and how I act, it never seems to be good enough. It’s always about them and never about myself. I have trouble saying “NO” and when I do, people don’t like me. People pleasers are sensitive to the feelings of others and often take things personally. People pleasers believe that nobody will like them if they stop doing things for other people. I feel guilty if I don’t put the needs of others before mine. I am good because I always think of others first. I feel bad and guilty if I do something that is just what I want to do. People have grown to expect me to be at their beck and call.
How did it happen?
People pleasers came from home in which their needs and feeling were not valued, respected or considered important. They were often expected as children to respond to or to take care of other people’s needs before their own. Or they may have been silenced, not listened to, neglected or otherwise abused, thus being taught to believe that their feelings or needs were not important.
Ways to Reduce Your Tendency to Please Others. The support and accountability you will receive from a coach will be invaluable to help you move toward personal change.
- First, review your early life experiences and see that the parents and family members were demanding, inconsiderate, abusive, and the pleaser was led to believe they didn’t have rights or feelings.
- Practice saying “NO”. Practice it when you are alone to get used to hearing your mouth say the word.
- Begin to surrender the feeling that your life purpose is to be subservient to others, putting their concerns ahead of your own.
- Begin to believe that you are entitled to be free of the control of others and their manipulation.
- Stop saying, “YES”. Pause before responding to someone’s request. Avoid letting someone’s request cause you to knee-jerk with a condescending response.
- Take time to feel comfortable with formulating your refusal before you just automatically say a conditioned “YES”.
- Stop letting others inflict you with guilt. That is undeserved and is only their way of exerting control through the feeling of guilt; i.e. “I am bad for not doing what they request.”
- Stop automatically waiting on people and tell them to do what they are requesting for themselves.
Of course they will react with anger and disbelief but that is their problem. You will be starting on the road to freedom from such behavior.
You were born with potential.
You were born with goodness and trust.
You were born with ideals and dreams,
You were born with greatness.
You were born with wings
You were not meant for crawling, so don’t.
You have wings.
Learn to use them and fly.
OR DO OTHERS IN YOUR COMPANY!
This is the criteria for deciding:
- Want to change something in your life! (WANT TO OR NEED TO.)
- Want more of something! (SOMETHING IS MISSING.)
- Tolerating too much! (HAVING A HARD TIME SAYING NO.)
- Want to switch careers! (NEED HELP SORTING OUT WHAT IS THE RIGHT PATH FOR YOU.)
- Want to improve their current career! (DESTINE FOR A PROMOTION BUT NOT RECOGNIZED.)
- Looking for larger goals! (READY FOR BIGGER AND BETTER, YOU THINK!!!!)
- Desiring to achieve something faster! (TOO MANY HURDLES ARE PUT UP FOR YOU.)
- Are bored with current issues! (FEELING RESTLESS AND DON’T KNOW WHY.)
- Feel something is missing! (WHAT IS GOING WRONG?)
- Who realize they need outside input for more success! (SOME THINGS DON’T MAKE SENSE.)
SO YOU WANT TO BE A LEADER OR YOU WERE JUST PROMOTED AS A LEADER?
- What is your style?
- What do you want your leadership to look like?
- Will your style clash with your company’s culture?
- Will your style clash with your boss’s style?
- Let’s explore!
First of all, one must know themselves inside and out. Some of the following questions will help you know yourself better and perhaps give you some new ideas of who you really are.
- What do you believe?
- How should subordinates be treated?
- Are they equals?
- Is there a democracy?
- Can your subordinates make mistakes without humiliation?
- Are you leading by being a Servant leader?
- Is your door open
- Where is your office?
- Do your employees feel valued? Or are they fearful?
How will your style enhance or clash with the culture of your company? So you have an open door and communication is valued. The culture dictates closed doors. What will you do? How will you deal with your supervisor? How much pressure are you willing to be put under? Does the company culture matches your style? Maybe your supervisor doesn’t. What changes are you forced to make? What are you willing to sacrifice of yourself? Principals or Virtues!
Jobs are valuable and not as easy to come by these days, so one is perplexed on what to do. Ideally the best possible solution is to find a position with a company that best aligns with you. But when that doesn’t happen and you accept a position with an opposing culture. One may need help to co-exist without giving up too much of oneself. You may need a coach to help sort policies and procedures to help you thrive in an uncharted and an unlikely company that you have landed in.
If I say yes to people-pleasing, then what am I saying no to? When I say yes to something that I wanted to say no to:
- I get mad at myself
- I feel rushed
- I am over-whelmed
- I don’t have enough time
- I don’t get paid enough
- I resent being asked
- I question friendship
- I am being taken advantage
- I’m working hard now
- Why me?
So ask yourself these questions before you say YES!
“What is the cost to me?” The cost to you is lost sleep, resentment, off-balance, not being in control of your own desires, etc!
“WHAT DO I HAVE TO GIVE UP?” You have to give up the feelings that you are the only person that can accomplish the task and that you can say NO!
“HOW WILL I FEEL?” At first you will feel strange when you exercise your right to say NO. With practice saying NO will become easier and easier!
“HOW WILL THE OTHER PERSON FEEL?” You must understand that you cannot control anyone’s feelings. They decide what they will feel, however, I know that they will have a different perspective of you.
“WHAT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY?” Your responsibility is to create your best self!
As your coach I will hold you accountable for achieving your goal to give up being a people-pleaser. Contact me for a complimentary coaching session.